Sexual Assault: My Story, My Perspective - Relying on good wingmen for help is not a sign of weakness

  • Published
  • By Laura Dermarderosiansmith
  • 301st Fighter Wing Public Affairs
NAS FORT WORTH JRB, Texas --  (Editor's note: This is the final installment in a four-part series of articles defining and outlining the importance of the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program, resilience, and wingman initiative, written from the personal perspective of a rape victim. The entire series can be found in the June, August, October and December issues of Citizen Airman Magazine: http://www.citamn.afrc.af.mil/pastissues/)

I was independent, self-sufficient and didn't need anyone. Then I was raped.

When I made a phone call to my friend immediately after calling the police that night, it was because I didn't know what else to do. I was afraid, alone and uncertain of what I was supposed to feel. I needed my friends, but I didn't realize, until days later, how much I also needed my co-workers.

In their own way, they each looked out for me. Some people went out of their way to walk down the hall to say hello, a gesture letting me know they were there thinking of me. My friends were always close by, knowing when I needed to laugh, when I needed to be alone without being by myself, and when I needed their subtle words of encouragement. In Air Force terms, these people were my wingmen.

Initially, the Air Force heavily promoted the wingman concept as a key component of its suicide prevention efforts. Being a wingman challenges every Airman, including Air Force civilians, to look for signs of stress in our fellow Airmen and intervene when necessary.

The Air Force Reserve Wingman Toolkit and the Advanced Distributed Learning Service's Suicide Prevention course provide guidance on identifying the warning signs and risk factors as well as information on how to help.

Over the past few years, however, the wingman concept has broadened to challenge Airmen to look out for each other all the time. The people who watched out for me were making sure I didn't become self-destructive or despondent. There were times when I was edgy or emotionally explosive -- so I was told - and that's when my friends urged me to take a break. Sometimes those breaks consisted of telling jokes or discussing plans for the weekend. They were trying to find out what was wrong in order to help me get my emotions back in check.

I know my lack of sleep contributed to this emotional roller coaster. In the month following the attack, I couldn't shake the fear I felt at night. During the day, with the protection of my friends, I felt empowered to face my fears and work through my issues. At night, however, every noise and any moving shadow outside my window or reflected inside my room brought surges of panic. Every time I fell asleep, the slightest noise would wake me up.

I was so tired, but taking drugs to sleep was not an option. I believed that if I took them I wouldn't be able to protect myself if there was another break-in. The only way I felt secure enough to fall asleep was to have people spend the night. It didn't matter that I had purchased a gun or that my landlord installed bars on all the windows and sliding glass doors. I was still afraid and needed to know there was someone standing watch. Friends and co-workers came to my rescue; even my friend's teenage children and their friends spent nights sleeping over.

I can still remember the first night I tried to stay by myself. It was getting late, and I was beyond tired but slightly awake. I heard a slight noise, and along with my heart, I immediately jumped to the window. When I looked out, I saw a quick-moving shadow. I was so scared I immediately dropped to the floor beside the bed and stayed there for at least five minutes.

I debated calling the police because I felt ridiculous bothering them for something that wasn't an emergency. Eventually, I did call. I told the dispatcher that I was embarrassed for calling and explained that I was raped in my home two weeks prior and was frightened. Within minutes, an officer was looking around outside. I also noticed that he kindly remained parked outside my front door in his cruiser for at least a half hour.

In time, I overcame my fear and was so grateful to those who stayed with me. I can't emphasize how important these wingmen were to me. As difficult as it was to ask for help, let alone accept help, I came to learn that relying on others is not a sign of weakness or an imposition.

This experience made me think back to when I moved 1,500 miles away from home to a location where I didn't know the area or a single person. I can't imagine how I would have dealt with the rape then.

I began to wonder about all the single people who are new to the area in and around Fort Worth who join our unit. Who would they turn to for help? I hope I've become perceptive enough to know when anyone around me needs a friend. I also hope I give the perception that I'm approachable and willing to be there for them when they're ready.

For me, being a good wingman isn't just watching out for those who are closest to me, it's ensuring I also promote a culture of mutual respect. A few years ago, the Air Force adapted this approach to bring awareness to the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response program by teaching bystander intervention. Bystander intervention empowers Airmen to foster an environment that protects each other from inappropriate sexual behavior, as well as unprofessional and offensive practices. It also teaches techniques to help prevent a situation that provides a potential perpetrator the opportunity to commit sexual assault. If we come together as a wing, group, squadron or flight to fight in a battlefield, should it be that hard to come together to help prevent sexual assaults?

When I facilitated the bystander intervention training, I would ask the group to think of the course scenarios by asking themselves: "What would you do? How would you want someone to assist you in this situation?" What the training taught was there's always a way to intervene, to be a good wingman without putting yourself in harm's way.

I titled this series of articles "My Story, My Perspective" because my experience gave me a personal insight into the importance of comprehensive Airman fitness, SAPR and wingman initiatives. I want people to see the personal side of these crimes to understand that bad things can happen to people we know and to see how this one incident affected one person.

We all differ in how we think, feel and react to situations. I believe our upbringing, our environment and our experiences influence our actions. For example, my reaction to the rape probably didn't seem logical to those around me. Some may have thought I was only attacked, not sexually assaulted, because of how I behaved afterward. Years later, some victims may get a sense of something reminding them of that night and have flashbacks.

We don't know what goes through another person's thoughts, and so I caution everyone to not judge someone's sexual assault complaint, their inability to ward off unwanted sexual advances, or give the impression they have no issues with inappropriate sexual behavior because they don't act or react the way we think they should.

I'm still a work in progress, but I try hard not to judge other people in these instances. I don't want to ignore a situation where I see a fellow Airman being harassed, for example, just because that Airman is not doing anything about it. That Airman may want it to stop but doesn't know how. That Airman's inaction might be perceived as accepting the unwanted attention, but I would hope I'm sensitive enough to the situation to be a wingman and ask.

We all have choices in our lives: We can choose to be vigilant; we can choose to be resilient; and we can choose to be a wingman. What do you choose?