Sexual Assault -- My Story, My Perspective: Resilience Grows Stronger With Every Crisis Faced Published Dec. 16, 2013 By Laura Dermarderosiansmith 301st Fighter Wing Public Affairs NAS FORT WORTH JRB, Texas -- (Editor's note: This is the third installment in a four-part series of articles defining and outlining the importance of the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program, resilience, and the wingman initiative, written from the personal perspective of a rape victim. This installment focuses on the importance resilience plays in a victim's ability to cope in the aftermath of a sexual assault. Entire series can be found in the June, August, October and December issues of Citizen Airman Magazine - http://www.citamn.afrc.af.mil/pastissues/) Resilience, the ability to recover quickly from setbacks, is at the heart of the Comprehensive Airman Fitness concept. Its foundation is rooted in being physically, spiritually, socially and mentally able to handle life's challenges and daily stressors. Like the Department of Defense's Total Force Fitness Program, the intent of this Air Force concept is to prevent Airmen from spiraling into a sense of hopelessness or depression to the point they feel like suicide may be a solution to their problems. Service members who are not equipped and prepared to manage stressors can fall prey to other destructive behaviors such as alcohol or drug abuse, verbal or physical abuse, and detachment from others. These behaviors foster discord and destroy relationships with family, friends and co-workers. Comprehensive Airman Fitness proposes that if service members are fit in each of the four areas, they may be able to not only handle challenging situations but also thrive under those conditions. Life is unpredictable. We can plan to be happy, prosperous and healthy, but we rarely take into account that people, nature and other factors can affect those plans. Some people seem more able to handle what life throws at them than others. In addition to the normal obstacles and stressors of daily life, military families must also accommodate challenges brought on by frequent and lengthy deployments. Comprehensive Airman Fitness is designed to help military members and their families, along with civilian employees, better develop the skills to make not only their military but also their personal life manageable and fulfilling. I am blessed to have grown up around people, including my family, who faced hardships, failures, loss and serious illness, yet still managed to go through their lives with positive attitudes. Their examples taught me that life happens, and I sometimes simply need to accept it and deal with it the best way I can. I may not always have control over what happens to me, but I do have control over my attitude and my ability to deal with whatever obstacle I encounter. Many of my role models came from adversity. My father's family, along with other Armenians, escaped massacres and ethnic persecution before coming to America. Europeans like my mother lived through World War II -- coping with bombings, enemy invasions and the uncertainties of daily life brought on by the fighting. If I had the opportunity to ask how they remained resilient, I doubt they would have known what to say. It was as if they didn't see any other option to dealing with their obstacles than to overcome them and move forward. How they lived through hardship was as basic as breathing and eating; they just did it! Looking back on the lives of those people, I firmly believe their physical, spiritual and social foundation gave them the mental fortitude to overcome adversity. They had strong work ethics and were physically active. They believed in family and fostered a community that helped each other in bad times and celebrated with each other in good times. They all had strong spiritual beliefs and practiced their faith through actions. I believe each of the comprehensive fitness components is important and can't function without the others. I may not have balanced the physical, spiritual, social and mental aspects of my life as well as I could have, but I did develop a foundation in each of those areas. One perspective I try to focus on is realizing I'm not the only person in the world to experience setbacks, disappointments, trauma, physical illness or personal loss. There are people out there who have experienced things worse than me. I try to be thankful that what I am going through isn't as bad as it could be. That perspective was reinforced the night after my attack. The detective arrived to discuss my case but was suddenly called away to investigate the abduction of an 18-year-old girl. The girl was coming home from a night class when a gang of four or five men took her into their van. I heard some of the details of what happened to her and the condition in which they found her. I cried for her that night. When I considered what happened to her, I realized feeling sorry for myself was selfish. People sometimes ask how I got past the rape. I really don't believe I had much choice at the time. I had one concern back then -- my mother. She was bedridden, in the final stages of cancer, and my family and I knew it wouldn't be long before we lost her. During my attack, all I thought about was how the news of my rape would affect her. Would any physical or emotional scars be reminders to my family that something bad happened, and they were helpless to protect me? I was grateful that my family lived 1,500 miles away, and I was able to keep them from learning about my attack. My family was going through so much with my mother that I couldn't imagine giving them any more worries. I eventually told my older brother, but it was for reasons that now seem trivial. Overall, it wasn't just the rape I had to get past. I also had to deal with my mother's cancer and the events during the subsequent two years. I had a demanding job with long and unpredictable hours. I also had my Air Force Reserve commitment with its unique demands. My mother died 10 months after the rape, but I had been on an emotional roller coaster during the last two years of her life. I flew home an average of once a month because I would get a phone call saying she was not going to survive the night. A few months after her death, my car was stolen from a parking lot while I was on jury duty. Six months later, Hurricane Andrew left me homeless, shoeless (that's another story) and without transportation. ... a hangar roof was laying on top of my car. I moved around with the unit to locations in different states, living in temporary housing for more than a year while the fate of our base and unit was being determined. While I was in stand-still traffic on a bridge, an 18-wheeler repeatedly side-swiped my car inching into the spot I occupied. Then there was the man who ran a stop sign and crashed into the passenger door of my car: He had no insurance. Eventually my insurance company dropped me, and another company never finalized my policy. I didn't find out until three months later when they sent me a letter denying me coverage. Those problems seem minor, but they just kept coming. Each one of them brought new issues to deal with. I kept asking myself, "Why is this happening to me?" I was tired of getting knocked down and didn't think I had the energy to get back up after every hit. But I did. I was fortunate to have friends who gave me emotional support and encouragement, making me feel I had the strength to get back on my feet again. And, I had my faith in God. As many times as I tried to give up on him, he drew me back. Like anyone else, I constantly struggle to keep a positive attitude as I work through my problems. I may get a little emotional, irrational or irate at first. But now I stop, think and try to figure out what is really happening and what I need to do to get beyond it. That mentality is largely due to my husband's love and gentle guidance. It took a long time to realize that no matter how bad things seem, somewhere along the way it would all work out. When I look back on the night of my attack, I am proud of how I handled myself. What reinforced my taking control of my situation came down to one decision -- not having a cigarette. I had been a heavy smoker for a few years, but I had quit three months prior. That night, my friend and her husband came to be with me while I waited for the police. She smoked and had her cigarettes on the coffee table. I remember staring at them every second I could until she finally told me to have one. I thought about it and said no. I wasn't about to let that man destroy what I had achieved during those three months. I haven't had a cigarette since September 1990! That was the catalyst that kept me motivated -- I had control. I had good and bad examples of how people dealt with hardships, and I knew I didn't want to spiral into that vortex of self-destruction. With everything I've been through, I never contemplated suicide. I had no desire to do drugs. I drank alcohol, but never at home alone. And, I didn't engage in any negative or reckless behavior. I debated whether I should go to counseling. I didn't because I assumed that no matter what my problems, fears or issues were, or could be, I would ultimately have to take action. I would have to face those fears. Me and no one else. So I thought about what some of my problems were or could be, and I dealt with them. I don't advocate people handling their problems the way I do. Everyone is different, and there is no shame in seeking help. If I, my family or friends feel I need help, I would seek that help. My resilience grows stronger every time I face another crisis. I'm inspired by other peoples' strength and examples. I'm sustained from their words of encouragement; back then, the more people told me how well I was doing, the more I believed it. I was always open about the attack, because my mind processed it as a crime, not something to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. I also felt it would encourage others in my situation to share their story with me because I needed to hear how they coped. When I think back to that time in my life, I don't think I would have fared as well as I did if I wasn't physically, spiritually, mentally/emotionally and socially fit. I can't help but repeat the slogan from the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response campaign: Hurts One, Hurts All. What affects one person ultimately affects those around them -- family, friends, co-workers, society in general -- in one way or another. It definitely affects our mission. Some people would say that's all the military cares about -- the mission. But, I can't see anything wrong in the military giving us tools to make us resilient, regardless of the reason. Can you?